The Class Reunion Relapse

Even after committing to a life of fashion comfort, when it’s time for a class reunion, women relapse. Mostly, it’s due to that one particular woman on the guest list. Sometimes it’s an old boyfriend, but more often it’s “that” woman. She’s barely aged since high school, wears the same bouncy hairstyle, and still fits in her cheerleader outfit. All verified by weekly Facebook posts, the last one of her wearing the cheerleader outfit in her RSVP post. Really?!

Meanwhile, my cheerleader outfit joined the Halloween costume box in 1986, after the birth of our second child. Then there was potty training with a jar of M&M’s on the back of the toilet, storing 300 boxes of our daughter’s Girl Scout troop’s cookies in the basement, and teaching our three kids to drive. 

Those were all worth an easy five pounds, and now I have to navigate “Miss Bipity-Bopity”.

Photo by Qazi Ikram Ul Haq on
Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on

The pressure of this scenario causes women all over the world, in every culture, to rush out to a department store to buy a fake three carat diamond ring for $19.99, or Market Place for a new string of beads. It causes women to delve into styles and accessories they’re not accustomed to wearing, just to impress.

That always ends up badly.

First of all, we fiddle. Whenever we wear something that isn’t really “YOU”, our body inwardly rejects it, resulting in an uncontrollable, outward fiddling. Whether it’s the fake three carat diamond, so many bangle bracelets we could replace the tambourine player in the band, or a dress that requires several types of uncomfortable shapewear, if it’s not “YOU”, we’re gonna fiddle.

Secondly, we become distracted. This unfamiliar illusion we’ve created for ourselves, has us so distracted that we can’t even focus on a conversation. Hence, we end up in a blank stare when talking to people, having no idea what they’re saying, looking like a complete numbskull. This could be an absolute disaster when chatting with “Bipity”!

Men, of course, don’t have this worry.

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Men can completely cover all the physical defects they’ve developed over the years with their suits. There’s nothing to fiddle with or distract them. Their big fashion decision involves which tie to pull out of the closet, and a white or blue shirt. Sometimes yellow. If they want to go out on a limb they wear colorful socks. Men don’t even have the pressure of someone remembering if they wore that tie or shirt at the last event.

No one remembers, no one cares.

But once the pics start, well, then the pressure is on for everyone. That goes for men and women!

Next Blog post 5/30/20 – “When the Pics Start

My Neck… What’s Happening?!

There’s no real name for what happens to our neck as we age. For some reason our neck just gets funny looking. It either wrinkles, sinks, doubles or, for lack of a better word, gets stringy. I’m not sure if it’s gravity related, or a punishment for gossiping at the beauty salon. (In which case, it’s worth it.) Regardless, you can try experimenting with different necklines, but anything short of a cow neck disguises nothing at all.

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The Gravity Effect

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So many of our aging annoyances are due to gravity. It’s definitely to blame for the mysterious phenomenon that happens to our upper arms. Rippling I believe they call it, soon to be followed by jiggling.

Don’t you remember seeing it on your aunts when they wore their sleeveless shifts at the 4th of July picnic every year? Well, it now belongs to us.

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The Fashion Diehards

They break through all the rules. We all know one.

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Oh yeah, that woman over sixty that refuses to conform to the fashion limitations of their age. They ignore the churning of their intestines when they squeeze into a short, little, skin tight number they bought in the junior’s department, rationalizing the purchase with tall thin mirrors and coupons.

Let’s face it, the settling of a woman’s body parts over the years is NOT figured into the cut of a junior dress pattern. There’s no “Losing the Shapewear” there.

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